The Saga Ends, The Love Story Continues...

Unfortunately the peace didn't last long. I was still struggling internally with my own frustrations of not being able to help Jesus get more money for our house hunting. My faith still wasn’t strong enough for me and I thought I was losing it. I just felt useless and I was drowning in my own thoughts. I read all sorts of books and wrote in my journals. The book that helped me most was God Calling that Jesus grandmother found when we went to the Nine Lives bookstore. It was only a dollar but worth so much more! I read it every night but still I struggled. I prayed and prayed but still my belief wasn’t truly there. What was worse, was that all of these internal struggles were taking a toll on my relationship with Jesus because I was so unhappy with myself. No matter what he could have done, I was still miserable and I felt like nothing or no one could do anything for me. I was almost to the point that my old suicidal thoughts started flying back in my mind like ghosts. I couldn’t get over my past yet I felt like I had no future to look forward to. Despair was too easy to sink into but it was suffocating me. I wanted to check myself into a mental hospital and give up or just go out and live alone forever. Either way I just felt I was no good to stay with Jesus.
I tried running away so to speak. Ironically it was to the guy that knew me well, my ex . I didn’t know who else to talk to, I didn’t want to go to my mother and the friend I thought I had, turned out to be a fraud. I took Shippo with me, sat on his couch and watched him beat Brutal Legend. He finally asked me what happened and I said I don’t know, that I didn’t know who I was anymore. He told me to talk to Jesus and let him know what’s wrong. He always knew how sensitive and emotional I was and that has always kept me from doing a lot of things and being happy was definitely one.
I went back home and saw Jesus was waiting up for me or just playing games as usual. We finally talked and worked it out a little. I still felt like he didn’t really understand me but I was just glad to be home. We made up and out of it somehow I knew that I was going to be changed. I prayed for God to give me a child so that I could have a purpose in my life. I promised that I would devote everything to it and that child would be my whole world. Again, I should have known better because the doctors already told me that it would be a catastrophe. I was only pregnant for about 8 weeks and I found out on our first sonogram. Everyone was so excited that we were going to have a baby but deep down Jesus and I knew this blessing came with much fear. I cried when the doctor told me I was pregnant not only out of pure joy but because I knew the gamble. It was a blessing, it had to be. I needed this to keep me sane.
When Jesus and I waited to have the sonogram, we were nervous and excited. We knew our lives would be changed forever. As the nurse tried finding the small fetus, I felt a cold chill creep over me. Then finally when she pushed down on my stomach as if too wake my child from its nap, I watched the screen. It didn’t wake up, didn’t move. It just rolled back, lifeless but at peace. I started crying and Jesus was trying to calm me down. He was telling me to wait, that the nurse is going to talk to the doctor. Sometimes these things happen but it doesn’t mean anything. In my heart, I knew. A flurry of emotions and memories were swirling around my mind. I blamed myself and said I was sorry to Jesus. Of course he said it wasn’t my fault. I finally felt completely defeated. I went numb.
Once Jesus brought me home I shut myself in for a few days and I didn’t want to talk to anyone yet. My mom and my sister were freaking out but Jesus told them to give me some time. I really don’t remember what pulled me through other than my favorite book and of course KLOVE. Music does so much to turn my heart around and what really helped finally was me getting up on stage to practice with our Youth worship band my first day back to youth group. The songs we sung that day spoke to me and I felt God’s love caress my wounded heart. It was like Jesus Christ came down, gave me a big hug, patted my head and said everything was going to be alright. After that night something changed in me and God in His way told me that the loss of my child was not the punishment I thought I had. It just took with it all of my chaos and mental anguish. To free me from myself so that I can move on to the better things that God had in store for me. All my life I tried to do everything my way but I kept hitting dead end after dead end. I did pray for a child but instead I got the beginning of my own rebirth.
It took a few days before it passed through my body but when it did it was a pain even worse than any I had before when I first got sick with Scleroderma. I had to be taken in an ambulance to the hospital because I couldn’t stop bleeding. I finally had to have surgery but my faith was strong that night and with the love of my life at my side like he always is, I knew I was going to be fine. I was not going to worry and we prayed together knowing God was in control.
Once we were through this emotional part of our journey, Jesus and I knew we had to trust God with every aspect of our lives. Things really started happening for us. I finally started the plan that was given to me by the Lord many years ago that I put aside, never attempting to do it because of my self -doubt. It was a lot to handle but after everything I feared nothing and believed that I was capable of anything despite my disability and what I thought of myself before.
When we finally started leaving the house hunting to God as well, we were completely blessed beyond our expectations! All we wanted was a house with a big enough yard for Shippo but we got so much more. The friends that the Lord has put in our lives have made it possible for us to have this home and everything in it. Of course everyday there are new battles that arise, new challenges and tests of our faith but we have conquered so much throughout our years together that Jesus and I can keep moving forward with high hopes. There cannot be room for despair because it does not fit in our lives anymore. It doesn’t even feel right to me anymore. It tried to shove me down and put the pillow of faithlessness in my face but the very last time that happened God showed me He is real, He loves me and will do anything to protect me. That unflinching peace now presses through any anxiety or doubt in my mind.
Jesus and I got baptized together on the same day and devoted ourselves to God because He has literally saved our lives, and especially mine, time and time again. Now for our gratitude we are going to get married today at the very house the Lord has made for us. We want to honor Him with the rest of our lives and show our loved ones how wonderful the Lord our God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit truly is. With God all things ARE possible and we will glorify Him forever. Thank you for reading our story and being a part of our lives. May God bless you and keep you. We love you and goodnight!